“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

     Donuts and O-J. That meant it was the first Sunday of the month at our church. After wrapping a donut in a napkin and carefully reaching for a cup, I would walk with my mother down a long hall to my Sunday School class, while unashamedly swerving through members of our church who were smiling and engaged in conversation.

     Mrs. Malmberg would tell us fantastic stories. Using a felt board to stick on various backgrounds and characters, she showed us how God spoke to Moses through a burning bush and empowered David to slay a giant. We explored the stories when Jesus told the fishermen “Come follow me,” how Jesus healed the sick and brought the dead back to life, when He befriended outcasts, sacrificed His life in place of mine on the cross, and then arose 3 days later victorious over sin and death. Out of all the characters, I was particularly drawn to Jesus. His kindness and goodness, His interest in everyone and ability to speak life into them, the gentle expression on His face. I wanted a friend like Him.

     On my first day of Kindergarten, staring wide-eyed out the bus window from my seat, I WAS TERRIFIED. I was playing with the heart necklace I was wearing and when I looked down at it, I remembered from Sunday school that if I asked Jesus to come into my heart, I wouldn’t need to be afraid anymore. That He would always be with me and care for me as His daughter. I knew I wanted Jesus to be with me and experience more of His love every day, so I asked. From then on, Jesus was my best friend. I could talk to Him anytime about anything and He would speak back to me, in my heart. I liked telling my friends about Jesus, but they didn’t seem to grasp the depth and eternal weight of His sacrifice and love for them. Still, I kept sharing. 

     God and I connected a lot through adventure. At school we would make all kinds of unlikely friendships and cheer up any kids who were left out. After school my siblings and I created our own fun on the farm—jumping on hay bales, playing pirates on our playground, running races down our long driveway, or exploring the woods that surrounded our house. We were surrounded by God’s creation, and enjoyed it. I would take special note of stories or ideas from my classes and books, so that I could re-enact them with my siblings when we would play. Each theme of hope, sacrifice, love, generosity, I wanted us to experience it over and over. I wanted them to get a glimpse of what an adventure life could be when seeking these greater themes… which ultimately led to the Author Himself.   

     My favorite Sundays were when the missionaries came to visit. They came from China, Pakistan, Indonesia, Ghana, Uganda, Philippines, and from around the U.S.. Our church allowed the missionaries to speak and share pictures with the children, and I hung on their every word. I was mesmerized by their stories of people personally experiencing Jesus there and all the colors of their foreign culture. I believed what they were doing, witnessing about the love of Jesus and being His hands and feet to all people, was the most important mission in life. When I was 11 years old, missionaries who were teaching English in China came to visit us. I remember looking at their laptop as pictures flashed across the screen and realizing that: 1) I excelled in my English classes and loved the subject and 2) I wanted to help meet a need for people abroad. Cue light bulb meeting electricity! I should go teach English abroad! I made a vow that day that I would spend a year serving the Lord abroad someday, to be a witness to whomever I was serving of how precious each individual is to Him and the lengths God will go to win their heart. 

     Throughout my middle school years, God was silent. I didn’t understand why. Grief and confusion beat me down, and I became really depressed. I felt numb and purposeless, and heartbroken if God had abandoned me. I often thought about suicide, because life without God was darkness. Then a friend invited me to a Christian conference, and when I heard the song lyrics “I hope that you can understand, what you’re searching for is in My hands,” what felt like a cloud lifted from my mind, and I remembered His nearness to me growing up. On the verge of giving up, I experienced His power to raise me out of blinding depression and renew my mind, to place honor and a unique mission on my life as a child of God. That love changed me forever. He strengthened me to seize hope again, that I could be transformed, that my future would look completely different from my past. Knowing God was fighting for my heart and mind, even though my circumstances didn’t change, was extremely powerful. Now, there was no turning back. God demonstrated His love by sending His son to willingly die the death that I deserved–when I had no worth, He bestowed worth upon me. He’d already paved the way, the next decision was mine to make. I took His hand, and surrendered my life, yet experienced what truly living is. I wasn’t scared, His love for me was more real than any material thing. I’ve never felt such assurance, than in putting my hope and trust in Jesus, and not myself or anything else.

     That summer, before my freshman year, I got baptized in my regional track shirt. In high school, God brought wonderful friends into my life who helped me grow tremendously in my faith and helped activate the gifts God had given me to glorify Him. My mentor Carol and I started a Bible study for MS and HS girls. I was able to use the things God taught me during MS to help them with their questions, build friendships, and most importantly teach them about the One who absolutely adores them. Rather than only studying the Bible, I believed getting to know Jesus happens through experience, so we would play board games with the senior citizens, fundraise for local missionaries, write letters to children in the Compassion program, etc. I really wanted to start serving abroad as soon as I graduated high school, but my parents urged me to get a degree first.

     I was attracted to Sterling College because of the way I saw people serving and caring for each other. I could continue running competitively and doing concert band there, and pursue a degree in Music Ministry to use abroad, so I felt I’d found where I belonged. College turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be, and I praise God for that. By year 2, I was studying English Literature and devoted to serving our department and Sterling’s Honors Program. I traveled every chance I could, and loved being involved and meeting new people. I made lifetime friends there and God provided mentors to guide me. There were soaring highs and crushing lows, where God brilliantly spliced them to steer me away from my growing obsession with my success, and instead to the unseen privilege of serving others and valuing relationships. Some of my most treasured experiences now were hidden in long periods of hardship and successive losses, because they granted me the eyesight to see God’s heart in new ways and experience His rescuing love all over again. College refined me to be who God needed me to be today and serve how He created me to serve—that temporary happiness, comfort, or success was no real rival compared to the eternally surpassing worth of knowing Christ more and being transformed more into His image! So summarized, college for me was FULL.

     I first learned about the World Race my junior year of college, all because a shirt with a map of the world on it caught my eye on Instagram. The young woman was selling them to fund her WR missions trip. Wow, I thought, 11 countries in 11 months. But how will she adapt to the diet and time change every month? What impact could they make in just a month? How is this college student going to raise $19,000 in the next few months? It all seemed highly unrealistic, but I REALLY wanted that shirt. So I bought it. And as months went by, I continued to follow her journey. I was distantly awed by how God provided for her. But I had firmly decided on teaching abroad.

     That summer I taught English in China, and flourished so much from the missionaries guidance there and fell in love with the people. The influence of the underground church, experiencing the zeal and faith of those believers, lit a fire inside me as well. I never wanted to leave. But inevitably I had to return to finish college. And towards the end of my stay, God revealed to me 3 things: 1) The next time I served abroad, I wasn’t going to come alone 2) A good deal of time would pass before I served abroad again because God wanted me to get more training 3) I wasn’t that passionate about teaching ESL.

     When school started again in the fall, since I wasn’t going abroad again anytime soon, I began to dream up my own dreams for after graduation, ones that included grad school or an internship. Until one evening, a film my professor in African Literature had recommended to us years ago, called “Beasts of No Nation,” came to my mind. I found it on Netflix and started watching. The film shattered the dream I’d been living in since returning from China. I wept as I saw innocent people being slaughtered and family members separated from each other. I was furious when I saw children being sold and women mistreated. Actually furious doesn’t cover it, I was livid seeing injustice. My heart was pounding so hard I remember wanting to get up and punch through my dorm door. I wanted to get on a plane immediately and go to that place and defend those people. The film was based on the violence children experience in West Africa.

     After the film, I remember silently sitting comfortably on my couch in my dorm room, listening to the air conditioner, several small mountains of books on my desk, every day reading but not acting, and thinking… I can’t stay here. Not when there are people out there who are suffering with no hope. That was what haunted me the most: seeing the main character Agu’s eyes, so void of hope. Empty. I carried a message of hope though, and if I didn’t share it, then it was like turning my back on someone who was pleading for help as they fell backwards, when all I had to do was extend a hand. Extend my heart to meet them.

     I knew in that moment that I couldn’t outrun the way God had designed me. He’d given people from foreign places a special place in my heart and a passion to partner with the Holy Spirit in discipling them. And as soon as I saw something like injustice, that breaks God’s heart, my heart would also be broken. And now I’m tearing up again just writing this, because I can’t just stand aside and let these things happen. It’s not okay. And I’m going to do something about it. So I declined grad school and internship opportunities, and set my sight again on serving abroad.

     The next month, a friend mentioned the World Race to me as an option. I’d put it out of my mind from March-November, but I began weighing it with teaching abroad. My hesitation was that I knew I was called abroad, but who would go with me? God had said I wouldn’t go alone.

     After I graduated in January and moved home, I applied to teaching positions first and got accepted to several in China and Korea, but just couldn’t get myself excited about it. My heart just wasn’t in it. God kept bothering me about applying to the World Race, so once I arrived at the application, I saw the fee that I was hesitant about had been waived. A few days later I answered the interview call, and at the end of the call they said I was accepted to the World Race 2020 team. I was SO surprised and excited—so much so that I was speechless. As soon as I hung up, I felt a vastness in front of me. Would I walk through this door? If I did, I knew my life would never be the same again. Then all the sudden, I heard…. But who are you to go on a journey like this? No one will believe you’re called to this. You’re alone in this. You won’t be able to raise $19,000, a l o n e.”

     I decided to pray about it and contact those closest to me to discuss the options. They affirmed they had my back. I wanted to say yes to the World Race, to share about Jesus with a passionate team of others my age and serve the various needs around the world, but these lies held me back. I asked, What is this feeling God? God replied, You feel unworthy. I went to my handy dandy desiringgod.org website that I love to look up devotions for specific things I want to learn about. I clicked on “Don’t feel qualified for your calling?” I discovered that Moses felt the same way.

          Moses: I’m a nobody, God. 

          God: I will be with you. This calling is not based on your credibility but on mine. I don’t want Egypt or Israel impressed with you. I want them impressed with me. I will be with you when you don’t feel like you’re enough. 

          Moses: They aren’t going to believe me, God. 

          God: I will be with you. The same power that I demonstrate to you in secret I will demonstrate to them. Trust me, I will show up! 

          Moses: Don’t make me do this, God. 

          God: I have purposes in choosing you for this call. You don’t know all those purposes yet so stop leaning on your own understanding and trust me. Now get moving, I promise to always be with you! (Piper; emphasis added)

God and I had this exact conversation before I found it on John Piper’s site. The “refining” I went through in college, had caused a lot of grief and confusion in my life, which I was still healing from. I didn’t feel ready to invite others into my life and meet up with a lot of people. I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be safe. That’s not what you told me, God spoke to my heart. You said you wanted to live. And I will keep my promise to you, you will.

     His words spoke to an abandoned dusty place in my heart. He was right. It was time to open up again, time to seize hope again, time to trust Him again… even if I didn’t feel ready. Thankfully, the World Race isn’t a place to have your life together. Rather it’s like exploring any season of life, bringing all my baggage, the weight of my past and present and laying it at God’s feet saying,

“Here I am. I love You more than anything else. What’s on Your heart for today?”

My story, for HIS GLORY!

Author’s note: I view my writing as a conversation. For example, today I have written above this letter for you. If you read it, please write back to me below! It means a lot to me to hear from you. It doesn’t matter how long ago after it’s been posted—I will be notified, and I will write you back!

Sources Referenced:

1. School of Worship. “Come back home.” Christ in Me: The Annual, 2010. Song.

2. “Beasts of No Nation.” Cary Fukunaga. Netflix, 2015. Film.

3. Piper, John. “Don’t Feel Qualified for Your Calling?” Desiring God, 22 February 2013. Web.