Living in a World of Tensions

Some days I forget to open my window’s blinds when I leave early for work. But that didn’t prevent my red Salvias from blossoming, though they didn’t directly see the sunlight!

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Hey everyone! I miss every single one of you, and wanna know when we can hangout again—seriously, let’s schedule something! It’s been a minute since I last wrote an update ; ) Knowing many of you can relate, these past few months have been really difficult for me. So no need for a recap… we all know it’s been, well, “not ideal.”

There’s a passage from John Piper’s book Desiring God, that has grounded me with a realistic perspective for enduring the effects of ‘rona. Piper is quoting Malcolm Muggeridge, a Christian journalist who died in 1990:

“Contrary to what might be expected, I look back on experiences that at the time seemed especially desolating and painful, with particular satisfaction. Indeed, I can say with complete truthfulness that everything I have learned in my seventy-five years in this world, everything that has truly enhanced and enlightened my existence, has been through affliction and not through happiness, whether pursued or attained. In other words, if it ever were to be possible to eliminate affliction from our earthly existence by means of some drug or other medical mumbo jumbo… the result would not be to make life delectable, but to make it too banal or trivial to be endurable. This of course is what the cross [of Christ] signifies, and it is the cross more than anything else, that has called me inexorably to Christ.” (Piper 266)

Let’s examine what Muggeridge is saying here: Suffering and hardship are the very things that produce “enhancement, enlightenment, and satisfaction.” The concept to catch, is that the very existence of one extreme brings about an even greater possibility for the other extreme. If we expand that theory, no challenge means no growth. No enemy means no hero. No loss means no compassion. No death means no new life. No sin means no grace. No suffering means no example of Jesus’s true love for us. In this life, we can expect pain and joy to be spliced, happening at the same time, but neither able to completely overcome the other—we have the free will to decide what we’ll build with the resources provided from both sides. As I reflect on the last couple months, here are some examples of pain spliced by joy and gain.

Trauma, an Opportunity to Speak Against Silence

A month after I returned home, past grief and trauma (that my 2nd blog post discussed) got triggered again. The throbbing sadness and paralyzing fear that I’d believed God healed me from, all came back with full force. It became unbearable, so I found a wonderful Christian counselor and started sessions with her. Sessions were sometimes excruciatingly emotionally painful for me—it felt like cutting open a tender wound that was half healed, in order to clean the infection underneath so it could heal properly.

Honestly, for weeks I didn’t know if we were making any progress because there was still so much pain in my heart, and there still is. But after the pain became dimmer, a new, surprising feeling emerged. A feeling that wasn’t helpless, voiceless, or defeated anymore, but of possessing power. Power to change. Power to discern. Power to heal. Power to inspire. This new knowledge produced a desire that threatens to banish the rest of the fear that comes with trauma, and that is the desire to tell others. Previously I didn’t have the courage to, but I now feel ready to claim what happened to me as part of my story and finally feel safe to tell it. Stay tuned, I’ll be writing another post soon… : )

Questions, an Opportunity to Know God More

My resurfacing grief paired with my experiences seeing unthinkable suffering abroad, launched me into a passionate theological study of God’s sovereignty and suffering. “Everything happens for a reason” and “Just trust that God is good,” don’t cut it anymore. Therefore, it’s been essential that I get a deeper more thoughtful perspective—though it doesn’t make the pain go away—it keeps my faith intact. This is also a topic I’ll be sharing more about in a future post, as my studying develops into concise points of understanding. I reached out to my mentors and theology professors, so I have enough reading recommendations to last a year regarding this topic, haha, but I wouldn’t reject more resources if you’d like to suggest yet another theology book.

New Job, an Opportunity to Make New Friends

Something I’ve appreciated about working at Walmart is the friendships I have with my coworkers and the opportunity to meet and be around so many people each day. I’ve actually processed most of my time on the Race with my coworkers, because they’ve asked me so many detailed questions beyond, “How was your trip?”, while we cut up meat together. They’ve actually been very open to talking about philosophy, and one of my friends follows Wicken and Astrology teachings, which I knew little about previously. Another of my coworkers agreed to attend my church’s service, and afterwards at work she asked a lot of excellent questions about Christianity. I got to share the Gospel with her, and she shared about her fear of what’s after death. “I don’t really know what happens after death. I just need more time, but I’m worried I’m going to die not knowing the truth,” she told me. “Then don’t wait,” I said, “Seek after the truth now with everything you’ve got. Test Jesus’s teachings to see if they are true, as I have discovered them true in my life, you also have to discover that for yourself.”

Work, an Opportunity to Renew Delight in My Projects

If you hadn’t already guessed, working at Walmart wasn’t exactly the dream career I’ve been longing to pursue. But! Working there has caused me to be in a tremendously productive creative mood when I get home. There’s something about not having access to my pencil or books or instruments all day, that causes all my ideas and passion to get pent-up, and when I get home, I hunger after writing poetry and musical compositions and studying as if I might starve without it! Of all the days I’ve had no schedule that I’ve tried to discipline myself to write daily, etc., I have been unable to create anything impressive. But now! Now of all times! My creativity flows forth out of the pure delight to do it—without writer’s block—for I’ve already thought of what I wanted to write all day! And there’s such limited time, before I’ll have to lay down my pencil/book/instrument and cut meat again! LOL. Every artist longs for a time when they’re finally able to say just what they’ve been thinking/humming/seeing, in a way that is shared (which brings double the delight), and friends! Hallelujah! I am experiencing that creative breakthrough during ‘rona!

OKAY, & This Was a Gift Beyond My Imagination –>

My other job is tutoring English on Cambly, though 3 months passed between my interview and when I saw an acceptance email. I’d given up on it, but now my business is tremendously flourishing! I currently have a regular student from Saudi Arabia, two from Brazil, one from Mexico, and one from China. I’ve also tutored students from Vietnam, Bangladesh, India, Oman, Kuwait, Iraq, Egypt, Nepal, Venezuela, Ukraine, Yemen, South Korea, Japan, and Turkey. Friends, I’m crazy about them! I feel this is one of the greatest gifts God has given me, introducing me to all these beautiful hearts and allowing me to be a student of their culture yet offer lessons in my language in return.

I also have a regular student named Mohammed from India, who contacted me through LinkedIn for lessons. After a couple of months we developed a good friendship and mutual respect, so we can discuss advanced abstract topics such as culture and religion. Mohammed has taught me more about Islam and India than I ever could have read in a book or learned in a class. I am tremendously thankful for our friendship, and proud of the progress he has made! It has been a lot of work creating lessons for all these students, but it brings so much enrichment to my life, that I feel it is no sacrifice at all.

Returning to Muggeridge’s quotation, living with this tension between suffering and joy is God’s will. We can grieve and honor God. We can be angry and honor God. We can suffer apart from punishment by God. We can ask God to reveal a better understanding of His character and ways–when we don’t understand or we’re having trouble believing–and still honor God. I’m convinced we can endure anything with a strong Christian community, the hope of our salvation, and unity with Christ at the forefront of our mind. Strong community lets us lean on them when we can’t walk, sits with us when we can’t speak, and comes to us when we’re hiding or cannot be found. They encourage us to embrace and cherish the joy even while the pain hasn’t been “made right” yet. At the end of his life, Malcolm Muggeridge, and so many other faithful Christians before him, conclude that the everlasting gain produced by temporary suffering was well worth the struggle.  

Lastly, there are plans for relaunching in the works! I have made a decision, and will announce it soon… I’m just waiting on a couple last administrative pieces to fall into place, before I can make it official! Stay well and take heart!! 😀 

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

Author’s note: I view my writing as a conversation. It means a lot to me to hear from you. It doesn’t matter how long ago after it’s been posted—I will be notified, and I will write you back! : )